I came across this blog from Peaceful Divas blog. Her post today really hit home. She had a link to "pour your heart out" and I really like the fact of being able to share things, though I'm really not much of a fan of sharing my "personal side of life" not even with some of my closets friends or even family members. Its not an easy task for me, I guess i learned it at a very young age to just "bottle it up", "let it roll of your back", "life's not fair, so live with it". I don't know who came up with those "sayings" but really they are not helpful, even though i often say them myself. Anyways, to see how this "pour your heart out" works. Please visit "Things I can't say" blog
I'm gonna pour my heart out. or maybe just babble away and gripe, moan and complain! whatever you want to call it, take it for what its worth, probably nothing.
I woke up this morning exhausted from another sleepless night. Did my same routine, tossed and turned in bed thinking I really just want more sleep but after about 15 min. i know i'm up, thats it just get your ass out of bed. So, i roll one more time, I read my wall "serenity Prayer" that i cut out of vinyl and i read it every moring. Well, i tell you lately, i don't feel there is anything i can "change" in my life or that even "God" can or wants to "change" (if i make it to heaven, He & I will be having a very long conversation, I guess its good that time there is eternal). So i mumbled my way downstairs, made my coffee, as it brewed signed into my FB, Blog, emails, and so on. Got my coffee made to my liking and sat down and started networking, catching up and so on. THinking what do i want to do today. I got to catch up with an old friend, which was great!
Anyways, I am blessed with a few family members who I cherish beyond words can say or i could even express to them. Friends that i never expected the support i get, i mean friends i know pretty well, but haven't even met in person! (ok a few i have met in person once or twice and a few are good friends) and Don't get me wrong I am so thankful for all of them and all their love and support they give me beyond what i can express. Its those that make me feel like crap, or think i'm just looking for sympathy or pity or think i can "change" my life, that i am the one to blame for where life has landed me. NO!, I just want understanding from my point of view. While i did make a decision, but i am not the one who injured myself! While trusting a Doctor may have been a mistake, but its not one i knew at the time. Maybe yes, i am suppose to "forgive" and "forget" (yeah ok like i'm ever going to be able to forget). I just can't, i'm not ready! Nor do I see how "forgiving" is ever going to "solve" my issue. my world has been flipped upside down and yes, i know others have it way worse off than me, but that doesn't make me feel all so warm and fuzzy and take away my pain or heartaches. It doesn't make it easier for me to tie my shoes w/out either tears of pain or humiliation to ask my kids (or someone else) to tie them for me, or to give my kids a 2 armed hug like they deserve and i want to, no we do "air hugs" because my kids are afraid to hurt mom if they actually hug me! While, every day i get up and out of bed i would rather just lie there and dream of how life use to be. That my husband would share his worries with me more and not feel like he putting more burden on me or add more stress. I want to take his burdens off of him and hes too busy trying to do it for me.
I dream of days when i could go to the store by myself and not have to worry about someone bumping into me, or being able to push my carriage instead of having to pull it, to go to an amusement park and ride the rollercoasters, going to work and punching the clock and griping that i'm over worked and under paid, cutting my own food, signing my name with my right hand, drawing and painting, holding something in my right hand w/out worrying will my hand just give out, to do anythings w/out pain. I miss people asking me "how are you", instead of "how is your arm", while i know usually when asked how i am usually is answered in relation to my arm because my mood is reflected by the level of pain and frustration i'm in or lack of sleep i got because of it. While many don't realise that they are even saying it, they do and they mean no harm by it, i know. it just frustrates me somedays more than others.
The simplest things in life are no longer simple and i'm just plain out right pissed off about it! I'm pissed about how the world judges me! I'm pissed that the world has sympathy for serial murders or rapist because oh their childhood was horrible, so what mine wasn't all cookies and cream with whip cream and cherries on top either but i didn't kill anyone or hurt anyone, as a matter of fact i didn't break any laws over and over again. It pisses me off that the world just doesn't really take the time anymore and look at people around them. It pisses me off that for years i paid my taxes w/no complaints, but when i need to apply for benefits because i truly need them, i get denied, while jailbird druggies get approved! It pisses me off when i call lawyers to get help (like Binder & Binder) they tell me my husband makes too much money(really? what that has nothing to do with disability), I didn't work enough (really? i'm sorry but i still paid into the system and it even says you didn't ever have to pay into the system to get disability), I didn't make enough money for them to take the case! Oh but people like Octo-Mom gets all sorts of benefits and she put herself there, she chose to have all those kids and NOT work, or get married but to live off you & me along with many many many other people who have never worked, paid taxes, hell are even citizens of the US! It pisses me off even more! It pisses me off how this has changed me as a person! I'm angry all the time, i have no patience anymore and i'm just meaner than ever and really would just love to stay in bed by myself and not talk to anyone (most days)! It pisses me off that i have to even ask for help, nevermind that it pisses me off that people say i don't deserve it. Well, there are many that truly don't "deserve" the financial help and they get it and i believe their are "equal rights". Well, i've learned the hard way there are NO EQUAL RIGHTS in this country. Theres Equal opportunity to find a Lawyer to get you your rights, but damn it you better be worth it so really there isnt even the equal opportunity!
Just yesterday we went to Wendy's for lunch w/the kids and when we walked in there was 2 boys probably 5or6 and 7or 8 rough housing around and jsut not paying attention to anyone around them, nor were the adults with them. While my husband and kids were trying to gaurd me and they were still getting close to me. My husband said "watch your arm" and me I said loudly "if i get hit, I hit back, I don't care if their kids or not". Well, one of the adults finally tried to reign them in and the rest gave me a nasty look. Well, I wasn't sorry for what i said and i really meant it, i am saddened that i have to be put into the situation to have to say it, cause asking someone to have their kids behave jsut get you laughs and not good ones either! I've had kids ram into me not by an accidental bump but because they are rough housing in public, (like its thier living room and i don't matter i should move out of their way) and spent the next week in extreme pain and on my pain meds (that i hate taking and could literally write a book about) and just basically in bed because when its that bad i can't function at all. Really, its not too much to ask for your kids to behave while in stores, resturaunts and yes even in line at amusement parks or even adults. Just cause you can't see my injury doesn't mean its not there. You just never know what the people around you are dealing with just being out there in public. Even before my injury i always had issue with that type of behavior and the whole "personal space" thing. I'm very outspoken about it more now in public and while i could be nicer about it, i see it as you didn't respect my space or me so why should i give you respect. I may have always said "treat others as you want to be treated" and I've always done so, now i'm just not as polite about it, i am just down right as rude as you.
While "society" as a whole i think has lost its moral compass, compassion, respect, and the basic of whats right and wrong, etc. Individuals have NOT. But its taking that 2 seconds to get out of "Me, Myself and I" mode and look whats around you.
well, thanks for letting me share a little bit of "my personal life" with you and babble in probably no sense at all. it felt good to "pour my heart out", though i'm still pissed :) someday i hope to get past it! I hope i didn't scare anyone away!
so now back to our regular programming ....Papercrafting!